You Can't Buy Reason

By: Rana

A look into the future.

The economy is in the toilet. Businesses keep shutting down and unemployment rates keep rising. The word "bail-out" is now as well known as the word "bankrupt" and companies once thought to be solid are now owned by the government or bought out and merged with foreign brands. The stock market is still in a slump, foreclosures no longer even turn heads, and record numbers of people are defaulting on loans and credit. Even celebrities who were once considered rich are now finding themselves taking on work they would normally turn away just to make ends meet.

"Any chance you'll let me in on the trust fund Francis?"

All this financial ruin has left researchers trying to point blame at various sources, but there's really no point. Shows like "My Super Sweet 16" and "Fabulous Life" are growing in popularity as poor people have to resort to vicariously dreaming of being rich. It'll probably never happen though- The top 1% of households hold 43% of this country's total net worth. That's a lot of nets.

Nothin' but net!- okay, enough puns...

What do all these richies do with all their money? They already own everything and all those charitable donations are a tax write-off anyway. One method high-end salesman have come upon is to sell them the same shit they already have at a higher price. That way they can claim it's better to their rich buddies and have bragging rights.

"Looking good Mortimer!" "Feeling good Randolph!"

All it takes is a little flair. Here are some really over-priced things that are not only on the market but have been sold, to actual people, on Earth.

1. $50,000 sneakers

He needs a sneakerhead intervention.

These were bought by Big Boi from Outkast. Really they're just regular Nikes (they don't, like, give you ability to fly or fight crime) but they have 11 carats of diamonds outlining the swooshes on the side. Kind of useless considering he can never wear them. It's one thing to have your sneakers wear out, it's another thing to have your diamond sneakers wear out.

2. $600 coffee

The stuff in the glass- that's what it looks like coming out.

This coffee is the shit, literally. Apparently there is a weasel in Indonesia that likes to ingest coffee beans and then poop them out whole. The remaining product (called Kopi Luwak) is considered a delicacy to connoisseurs, being sold at some places for $50 a cup. They claim the flavor is unique, not bitter like typical coffee. Whatever- I'll stick to my mocha fraps.

3. $1.3 million cell phone

"Can I put this on my Family Plan?"

Dubbed the "Le Million" this phone is made of 18K white gold and 20 carats of diamonds. It's also got all the regular cell phone options plus a radio and mp3 player. Seeing how often people change their cell phones when new upgrades come out (especially rich people) combined with the frequency of cell phones getting lost, I wonder if this is really a wise investment. Does insurance cover, say, dropping it in the toilet at the bar? For that much money, it better sprout legs and come find me if ever lose it. Available by special order only (You mean T-Mobile doesn't keep these in stock?)

4. $125 bar of soap

(scrub, scrub)-"Still...dirty... on the inside!!!"

This 120 gram bar of soap is called Cor. It contains chitosan, sericin, four types of collagen, and silver. With all that, I bet it still doesn't smell as good as Irish Spring (only $4 for an 8 pack, take your chitosan and shove it).

5. $2 billion home

Just, wow.

Built for Mukesh Ambani, the fifth richest man in the world, his wife, their three children, and his mother. Mukesh decided to build this home with designers of the Mandarin Oriental Spa in New York after his wife went there and liked the interiors. The home is 60 stories tall and has 27 floors, a slight upgrade from their previous residence which was a mere 14 floors (I guess they got a new cat or something.)

"Precious needs room to roam"

It is 570 feet high (taller than the Frost Tower in Austin) and has 400,000 square feet of interior space. No two levels are alike in plans or materials used in the design. The first six floors are parking lots (for his 168 cars), followed by a lobby floor featuring 9 elevators. There are several lounges, a large ballroom, an indoor/outdoor bar, green rooms, parlor rooms, an "entourage room" and many other necessary areas-

"And we keep the bread in the bread room and the butter knives in the butter knife room."

The entertainment level features a 65-seat movie theater and wine room. The three health floors have a lap pool, yoga studio, separate full gyms for each family member, dance studios, a solarium, juice bar, changing rooms for men and women, and an ice room (which is made to escape the Mumbai heat and is dusted by man-made snow flurries.)
There's a four-story open garden, 3 heli-pads, and many other pools at the home, all maintained by a staff of 600 people.

MC Hammer only had 200 in his entourage.

The simple fact that this house even exists is disgusting, especially in a country like India which is actually the poorest country in the world with 76% of the people living on less than $2 a day. Ambani must be some kind of ego-maniac because a home that big is obviously only for show and his way of rubbing his wealth in other people's faces. Don't hate though- He's still Mukesh from the block.

Just not this block.